Hunting

Ages ago , I attended gun safety training with my sister and my dad. We learned about carrying a gun, loading it, and shooting. The goal was to master doing each of these without endangering ourselves or anyone near us. The following November, I courageously  joined family members for deer hunting, waking up before dawn to traipse through the woods, settle into a stand, and wait. And wait. At some point during the weekend, a deer happened to walk within sight. I raised my gun, aimed….and finally lowered it once again. I couldn’t find it in myself to pull the trigger. Instead, the deer walked off, perhaps without recognizing how its life had just been spared. That was the first and last time I went hunting.

I’m hunting again these days. Instead of hoping to find some game, I’m watching for a job. It feels so similar. There’s preparation…drafting and revising a resume, crafting a perfect cover letter, and then waiting…waiting for jobs to be posted….waiting to hear if they want to interview me…waiting to hear what they thought…waiting. And I can’t say I’m thrilled with the waiting. I’d like to have this settled now instead of wondering about how it will turn out all through the summer.

Some days it feels like I’m stabbing in the dark, applying for any job that seems like it might remotely fit me. Other days, I find myself considering postings and school websites, trying to see if I would be a good fit for that particular school. It’s a hard place to be…wanting a job…and yet not wanting to jump at a job just because it could work. So, the waiting continues. Applications are sent off into cyber space and the USPS in hopes that I will somehow get connected with just the right school that I can be excited about…and that they are excited about having me join their staff as well. Waiting…

And in the waiting I find it hard not to wrap my identity and worth up in the search…just a little. I wonder if I’m good enough…if anyone will want me…if I’ll make it in the bigger pond of the US…I wonder. As a school makes first contact, my hopes are raised…then dashed when they don’t follow up in the timing they mentioned. I call and hear nothing….weeks later they ask for a second interview. I return the call and days later receive an email stating all positions have been filled. It’s a roller coaster ride that I’d like to get off.

And in the space between paragraphs, I feel my heavenly Father inviting me off the ride, inviting me to choose to sit quietly on the park bench watching the ride in the distance, listening to truth, choosing to trust, and being wrapped in his arms. I want that so badly…to rest…and so, that’s my choice for tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll likely need to choose again…and again on Saturday…and Sunday… Even when I see where this road ends, I’ll still need to choose. Every day.